Kind Of Sad Today

Well, I only had two days off. When you work 12 hour nights two days is like nothing. I have to go back to work today and I am a little sad about it. Well, a LOT sad. I don't know why. I feel in a funk today. Luckily not a eat my sorrows funk, more like a could care less if I ever eat again funk. Weird. Apparently that sentence said a lot. No matter what my emotions it seems to be tied to appetite. LOL. I don't hate my job. But lately I don't love it either. I wish I had less stress in my life, but I don't so I will just have to deal with it. I just need to get some happiness going inside of me today. Maybe a little sunshine is what I need. I work for the next three nights then I am off. My son is home from school and every day I go to work you would think I was punishing him. I need to spend some quality fun time with my kids. I think we would all be happier.

I am sure that not losing weight this week is bringing me way down. I know the scale frequently dictates my mood. I guess I just decided that I always start out slow. It seems like I have to only give half an effort for a week, when I get smacked in the face with what half hearted efforts accomplish I get it in gear. I feel very motivated today at least to do 100% this next week. So there is some happy thoughts! YAY!

Fat Has To Go

There is a lot of emotions tied up in weight loss for me. I have been hurt in so many ways by being overweight. Yet, I still struggle to lose weight. It is a tug of war within myself and at this point in time fat is winning. I’m not really sure what fat has on it’s side? How does fat get to win anyway? I hate the fat.

I desperately want to lose weight. I know how it feels to be 140 pounds. I have spent many years of my life at 140 pounds. My life was different then. I was happy . It was how I felt. I had energy, I had enthusiasm for life, I was excited every day to get up and go do something fun! I felt better in my own body. I need to find a way to stop the pain of being fat from keeping me fat. I need to find a way inside of me to forgive myself for what I have done to my body. I need to find a way to forgive others for hurting me because of my weight. I need to find a way to find peace within myself with the scale and with food. I think I am working my way through all of these emotions still. It has not been easy, but it is necessary. I believe right now that if I continue to beat myself up and hate myself for letting me get this fat that I will never be able to love myself and care about myself enough to get this weight off. This has become a bigger problem then just taking off a few pounds. For me this has become a horrible thing I have done to myself that I hate myself for.

It is all in my head. Every problem I have with losing weight is in my head. It is not about knowing what to eat, or knowing how to exercise. I KNOW what needs to be done. I just need to do it.

How Did It Happen??

OMG!! So, I have to say now that I gained 100 pounds? How does this happen? It is unreal. I cannot even stand to write it. But I have to. I don’t have a choice because that is what I did. I have to face what I did and change it. I have been doing really well for a week and when I got on the scale today I have less than 100 pounds to lose. I now have 99! Woo Hoo! Ok, so it is still VERY SAD for me. But, I will just keep working and I will reach my goal.

Today Is Where My Book Begins

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Today is where my book begins. I have started over and over. I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds over the years. I cannot continue to focus on my past failures. I have to believe that each day I begin a new book in my life. Today I am beginning that book. I feel strong today. I feel like this will be the time that I reach my goals. I know though that this is a long journey and there will be good days and bad days. I need to never let the bad days make me quit. I am worth the effort. I know that I am able to do what is necessary to take this weight off. I just need to do it. I have spent the day preparing myself. I have set up some great support systems and motivational tools, including this blog, I have prepared my kitchen with low calorie low fat, high nutrition choices, and I have continued to encourage myself to believe in myself. I can do this. It will not happen over night but it will happen.