Feel Alive

I have felt like I can’t breath lately. I felt like there were ties holding me down and keeping me from enjoying life. I don’t know how the ties got there but I got loose tonight.

This week I got to make a list and go shopping and buy what I wanted for the first time in a long time. We had a little extra money and I got an elliptical and I am so happy about it. I have a great workout available to me day or night anytime I choose. It is sitting in our living room. I can’t go into the kitchen without looking at it. My energy has been increasing daily and I have been more active with my children.

I would love to work in research about obesity and depression. I think there has to be a physical reason that obese people are depressed. I have talked to many MD’s about this. I have gotten many different theories. Some think that depression causes the obesity. I don’t know, I really wonder sometimes if it is the obesity that causes the depression. It pulls you in and won’t let you out.

Well, I am free. I feel on top of the world. I have been working really hard to get the weight off and my weight loss has been slower then I would have hoped for. Today I thought, “Girl, you are in the zone! You really are. Because if you had not been, the lack of motivation from the scale would have been enough to make you quit.” Not now though. No matter what that stupid scale tries to say to me, I won’t listen! *hands over my ears, singing* LALALALA! I can’t hear you scale. You are wrong. My bra (hope I can say that here) is getting VERY loose, my wedding ring is not cutting off the circulation to my ring finger, and today, I think I saw an ankle bone. So, scale, YOU LOSE! I win! I stuck by myself even without your numbers of encouragement. I believed in myself and eventually you will have to give up a smaller number. If not, you will be destroyed. (Just a warning!)

The best sign of my success today though is that I feel alive! I feel in control! I feel like nothing can stop me now. I am in that beautiful place called the diet zone. I do not ever want to leave it again. It is a scary out of control place on the outside.

Viscous Circle

There has to be a way to motivate myself that does not involve self criticism, self loathing or self pity. People talk about their weight loss “click” the switch that occurs when they magically turn into a person who will be successful at weight loss. I haven’t heard a click in a while. There use to be a time when I would find this magic switch and be able to turn it. Lately though I seem to be suffocating in my own fat. It has become this endless day in day out struggle. At the beginning of each day I think I will do great and I will find my way to thinness. But somewhere during the day I start to feel the hopeless feeling that makes me feel like I can’t do it. I don’t give up. I choose to keep fighting this hopeless feeling. But, the feeling doesn’t go away. I sometimes wonder if all of the years of trying and failing have brought me to a point where I can’t believe that I am capable of succeeding. I hope if I just get a couple of good weeks under my belt I will start to believe again. I will have hope. But I have to find a way to keep working without giving up.

I can just here myself saying “Please, don’t give up. Please! Not this time. Please just do it. Just do WHATEVER it takes to lose this weight.” I hate living in my fat body. I really do. It feels horrible on me. I can feel the rolls everywhere. I can’t look in the mirror for very long because I see my face and think “Wow, that can’t be me. Who is that?” But it is me. I don’t want to look like that. I am tired all the time. I am sad. I miss out on so much in my life because I feel terrible I look terrible and I don’t want to be around people when I feel like this.

Every-time I think about my family photo albums the tears start to flow. If I died tomorrow my family would have very few photos of me. My daughter may never be able to look back and see photos of memories with her mother. She is too young to remember and we have no evidence of my existence in our albums. Every once in a while you will see my feet or hand or a arm. But I don’t exist in our family photos. The effect the fat has on me is far reaching. It is more than just a number on the scale. It is way more than that. It is life altering.

So... I have now established that fat is making me very unhappy. What am I going to do about it? What am I going to do for myself every day to keep myself focused. What am I going to do to stop comforting myself with food. I finally understand the vicious circle I have heard of and never really understood. I am in the middle of it now and fighting to get out. I am so depressed about my weight that I stay home and feel hopeless, I don’t take care of myself, I quit wearing makeup. I feel like the fat is causing my depression. I do not feel like depression is causing the fat. But being depressed leaves me wanting to comfort myself in some way. My old friend, food, seems always available to sooth and comfort. So, to lose weight and gain my self confidence and happiness back I need to eat less, to eat less I seem to need to feel good about life. I know, I know, it is mind over matter. It is about having self control. I have heard before, so many times, if you want it bad enough. OMG, I want it so bad. I really do. Wanting it is not enough. I cried again today. I am scared every day that I will never reach my goals that I will continue to start and stop and just keep getting fatter. I am sad every day that I will never find a way out of this fat.

So, here I sit begging myself again today. “Please, don’t quit yourself again. Please, love yourself. Please, get up and find a way to make yourself happy. JUST GET UP AND DO SOMETHING TO HELP YOURSELF. Please, don’t live like this anymore. You are the one in control here. Take control.Please, Sara. Please don’t do this to yourself. You are a good person. Please just do something really great for yourself. I will thank you for it later. There will be a big prize for you if you don’t give up today. ”

Well, that is the best pep talk I can give myself right now. I worked hard on it.

Making The Connection

What is different about this time compared to all of the other times? The times that I have started then quickly given up? Or the times I started, lost 40 pounds then gained it back? Or the times I have reached my goal weight and eventually regained it all? How can I make this time different? I know all about the making it a way of life thing. I tell myself all the time, “I am not on a diet, this is how I will live.” But it is not how I live. I struggle every day to make myself stay within the boundaries set to allow weight loss. I have to work hard to convince myself to exercise. Even something as simple as drinking water is a challenge. It is almost as if I want to fail. Really, if I wanted to lose weight bad enough wouldn’t I do it? If I know that I have to eat so many calories, exercise and drink water to lose weight then why don’t I do it?

I think part of the problem is that I want to lose weight more than anything. I really do want this. What I really need to want is to put in the effort in to lose the weight. Maybe I am focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe I need to stop thinking of the goal and start thinking of the process. Maybe I need to stop saying I want to lose weight and I need to start saying... “I really want to eat well, exercise and drink water today.” Maybe I need to wake up every day and say this to myself until I believe it. Possibly the connection between my long term goals and the journey to get there has not been made. Sometimes I think I only focus on my goal because thinking of where I am now makes me sad. But I can’t ignore where I am or what I have to go through to get where I want to be.

Kind Of Sad Today

Well, I only had two days off. When you work 12 hour nights two days is like nothing. I have to go back to work today and I am a little sad about it. Well, a LOT sad. I don't know why. I feel in a funk today. Luckily not a eat my sorrows funk, more like a could care less if I ever eat again funk. Weird. Apparently that sentence said a lot. No matter what my emotions it seems to be tied to appetite. LOL. I don't hate my job. But lately I don't love it either. I wish I had less stress in my life, but I don't so I will just have to deal with it. I just need to get some happiness going inside of me today. Maybe a little sunshine is what I need. I work for the next three nights then I am off. My son is home from school and every day I go to work you would think I was punishing him. I need to spend some quality fun time with my kids. I think we would all be happier.

I am sure that not losing weight this week is bringing me way down. I know the scale frequently dictates my mood. I guess I just decided that I always start out slow. It seems like I have to only give half an effort for a week, when I get smacked in the face with what half hearted efforts accomplish I get it in gear. I feel very motivated today at least to do 100% this next week. So there is some happy thoughts! YAY!

Fat Has To Go

There is a lot of emotions tied up in weight loss for me. I have been hurt in so many ways by being overweight. Yet, I still struggle to lose weight. It is a tug of war within myself and at this point in time fat is winning. I’m not really sure what fat has on it’s side? How does fat get to win anyway? I hate the fat.

I desperately want to lose weight. I know how it feels to be 140 pounds. I have spent many years of my life at 140 pounds. My life was different then. I was happy . It was how I felt. I had energy, I had enthusiasm for life, I was excited every day to get up and go do something fun! I felt better in my own body. I need to find a way to stop the pain of being fat from keeping me fat. I need to find a way inside of me to forgive myself for what I have done to my body. I need to find a way to forgive others for hurting me because of my weight. I need to find a way to find peace within myself with the scale and with food. I think I am working my way through all of these emotions still. It has not been easy, but it is necessary. I believe right now that if I continue to beat myself up and hate myself for letting me get this fat that I will never be able to love myself and care about myself enough to get this weight off. This has become a bigger problem then just taking off a few pounds. For me this has become a horrible thing I have done to myself that I hate myself for.

It is all in my head. Every problem I have with losing weight is in my head. It is not about knowing what to eat, or knowing how to exercise. I KNOW what needs to be done. I just need to do it.

How Did It Happen??

OMG!! So, I have to say now that I gained 100 pounds? How does this happen? It is unreal. I cannot even stand to write it. But I have to. I don’t have a choice because that is what I did. I have to face what I did and change it. I have been doing really well for a week and when I got on the scale today I have less than 100 pounds to lose. I now have 99! Woo Hoo! Ok, so it is still VERY SAD for me. But, I will just keep working and I will reach my goal.

Today Is Where My Book Begins

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Today is where my book begins. I have started over and over. I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds over the years. I cannot continue to focus on my past failures. I have to believe that each day I begin a new book in my life. Today I am beginning that book. I feel strong today. I feel like this will be the time that I reach my goals. I know though that this is a long journey and there will be good days and bad days. I need to never let the bad days make me quit. I am worth the effort. I know that I am able to do what is necessary to take this weight off. I just need to do it. I have spent the day preparing myself. I have set up some great support systems and motivational tools, including this blog, I have prepared my kitchen with low calorie low fat, high nutrition choices, and I have continued to encourage myself to believe in myself. I can do this. It will not happen over night but it will happen.