There has to be a way to motivate myself that does not involve self criticism, self loathing or self pity. People talk about their weight loss “click” the switch that occurs when they magically turn into a person who will be successful at weight loss. I haven’t heard a click in a while. There use to be a time when I would find this magic switch and be able to turn it. Lately though I seem to be suffocating in my own fat. It has become this endless day in day out struggle. At the beginning of each day I think I will do great and I will find my way to thinness. But somewhere during the day I start to feel the hopeless feeling that makes me feel like I can’t do it. I don’t give up. I choose to keep fighting this hopeless feeling. But, the feeling doesn’t go away. I sometimes wonder if all of the years of trying and failing have brought me to a point where I can’t believe that I am capable of succeeding. I hope if I just get a couple of good weeks under my belt I will start to believe again. I will have hope. But I have to find a way to keep working without giving up.
I can just here myself saying “Please, don’t give up. Please! Not this time. Please just do it. Just do WHATEVER it takes to lose this weight.” I hate living in my fat body. I really do. It feels horrible on me. I can feel the rolls everywhere. I can’t look in the mirror for very long because I see my face and think “Wow, that can’t be me. Who is that?” But it is me. I don’t want to look like that. I am tired all the time. I am sad. I miss out on so much in my life because I feel terrible I look terrible and I don’t want to be around people when I feel like this.
Every-time I think about my family photo albums the tears start to flow. If I died tomorrow my family would have very few photos of me. My daughter may never be able to look back and see photos of memories with her mother. She is too young to remember and we have no evidence of my existence in our albums. Every once in a while you will see my feet or hand or a arm. But I don’t exist in our family photos. The effect the fat has on me is far reaching. It is more than just a number on the scale. It is way more than that. It is life altering.
So... I have now established that fat is making me very unhappy. What am I going to do about it? What am I going to do for myself every day to keep myself focused. What am I going to do to stop comforting myself with food. I finally understand the vicious circle I have heard of and never really understood. I am in the middle of it now and fighting to get out. I am so depressed about my weight that I stay home and feel hopeless, I don’t take care of myself, I quit wearing makeup. I feel like the fat is causing my depression. I do not feel like depression is causing the fat. But being depressed leaves me wanting to comfort myself in some way. My old friend, food, seems always available to sooth and comfort. So, to lose weight and gain my self confidence and happiness back I need to eat less, to eat less I seem to need to feel good about life. I know, I know, it is mind over matter. It is about having self control. I have heard before, so many times, if you want it bad enough. OMG, I want it so bad. I really do. Wanting it is not enough. I cried again today. I am scared every day that I will never reach my goals that I will continue to start and stop and just keep getting fatter. I am sad every day that I will never find a way out of this fat.
So, here I sit begging myself again today. “Please, don’t quit yourself again. Please, love yourself. Please, get up and find a way to make yourself happy. JUST GET UP AND DO SOMETHING TO HELP YOURSELF. Please, don’t live like this anymore. You are the one in control here. Take control.Please, Sara. Please don’t do this to yourself. You are a good person. Please just do something really great for yourself. I will thank you for it later. There will be a big prize for you if you don’t give up today. ”
Well, that is the best pep talk I can give myself right now. I worked hard on it.
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6 comments:
A lot touched me about this post, though what struck me the most is you hypothesising about how your daughter would have very little to remember you by due to there not being many photos of you.
Though I don't think you should do 'whatever it takes' to lose this weight. You should get healthy. And that involves healthy in the mind as well as the body.
I'm cheering you on, and I know you CAN do it. You CAN experience all of the GOOD things about being healthy, and happy, and that will feed off into every corner of your life/
Good luck. :-)
I'm sure it seems hollow for me to say "I know exactly how you feel" but I really, really do. You have put into words so well the same things I think all the time.
I appreciated the comment you left on my blog, but I feel like I'm living a lie right now. I'm not 239 anymore, I'm somewhere back in the 260's, not exactly sure. I need to get back down there. I plan to write a thoughtful post about all of that tomorrow. You have helped inspire me to not give up.
I'm glad you came by to visit me and led me to you own blog...I must be just as hollow as Christie because I can also say "I know exactly how you feel" In fact I've probably written many of the same things during the past several weeks.
I know I've had the same thoughts about the photos before. In the past several months I had noticed the same thing. Working on scrapbooks for my son, I noticed we have tons of pictures of him and pictures of him and his dad - - not too many of him and I or even us as a family. Over the past few months I've been trying to change that. I've been having others take a few pictures, I've been getting into a few shots... No, I don't always like what I see when they come back. Yes, I take up more room then hubby and son do together within a frame....but that is me. That is the Mommy he sees everyday. That is the Mommy he loves... so if there is a fat Mommy you love in the picture isn't that better than no pictures of Mommy at all? In addition to that I'm hoping someday I won't be so fat. I'm hoping someday all these photos will make good "before" pictures! LOL I'm hoping someday my son will look at those photos and say, "Wow! Is that you? I sure don't ever remember you being that big!"
Ahhhhh.....dreams
Hang in there Sara. You can do this! Take it one HOUR at a time. Work at making each meal a success and try not to think of how long the road may be. Be successful today! One good day will lead to another and soon today will be ancient history and you will be many pounds lighter! Good Luck!
I give myself talks like this in my head. Sometimes I just get so frustrated with myself about weight loss. I know I don't like being at this weight. I know it makes me feel bad about myself. And yet, it's so hard to motivate myself to just do it. I guess it's one day at a time.
Came here by the way of Christie's blog. I have to say the same thing, "I have been where you are". When I started last year, I was feeling hopeless, and depressed. I would avoid photos and especially family photo that my husband was pressing me to do with my son for my mother in law. Sad to say I still haven't done the photo but I will soon. I started to get in the family pictures with my family as I don't want to be left out of memories. And now that I've lost some...I like seeing the progress from before. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I am feeling heaps better physically and emotionally.
What was my key was exercise. Just get out moving 5 days a week or even 3 days a week. This helped with the depression and made me want to eat healthy. Most days that is!
Good luck on your journey. I believe a lot of the battle is fought in our minds. You just have to make the decision to do it.
Knock, Knock....Sara? Where are you? Looking forward to seeing a post from you soon!
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